Identity

My name is Al. And I'm an alcoholic.

This is true, but I am also a senior citizen, a maple syrup connoisseur, a student, a PIKE PHIsh brother, and a father of two.

I came to PIKE PHIsh to find an identity that could replace my loner upstate Vermont status, and one was provided. But a man forms his own identity over a lifetime of experiences. PIKE PHIsh is part of my identity, but it has no higher share than every other facet of my personality, interests, and everything I have learned.

I consider myself to be a very lucky man. I've made mistakes. An obscene amount of mistakes. Mistakes that are hard to fix, and that I haven't even bothered trying to fix. I am lucky to have a daughter (and, deeper down, a son) that will never stop loving me. I'm lucky to have friends that I can trust and depend on, despite the age gap. Hell, I'm lucky to be getting a degree at a top notch university and avoiding the absurd tuition.

Life is good, only took me 63 years to realize it.

Where to go from here

Chelsea took off this afternoon. I told her all about the party tonight. She was interested, definitely would have come if I had pushed it, but I didn't think it was the right situation to put her in, especially after all our bonding this weekend. I've decided to keep family and frat life separate. It's best that way. I don't agree with some of the things that happen at PIKE PHIsh, but the bros are good people. It's hard to understand the heart of a fraternity from the outside, and stereotypes make it nearly impossible for a lot of people (Daniel and Sheila included.. Chelsea I just don't want to see taking tequila shots and getting hit on).

I'm pleased with my membership in PIKE PHIsh... I've met a lot of people and made some good friends, tasks that would probably have been difficult or non-existent had I spent my freshmen year commuting to class from Hinesburg. That being said, Chelsea's visit opened my eyes to a lot of things that I had forgotten about over the last several years.

What a night!

Things turned out better than I could have possibly hoped for! I am going to run through this as fast as possible because it's Saturday and there is a lot to be done in preparation for tonight.

I picked her up from the hotel at 730 and we headed to the restaurant. I was nervous. Conversation was shallow and awkward. At the restaurant things started to relax, and she asked me how UVM was going. I gave her a very censored version... somehow trying to describe what I have been up to to here without mentioning a word about PIKE PHIsh. Finally she took my hands and cut me off: "Dad. You sound like Daniel. I know about your fraternity. I think it's great that you're making the most out of your college experience despite your age. Tell me about your life!"

The ice was shattered and I was extremely relieved. I told her everything... sans the more embarrassing stories about myself and those involving excess substance abuse. I told her I was happy. She told me she was happy.

We had a couple drinks after dinner and I realized the time, 10:30, I had to get to Relay.

"Chels, this has been a great time. I'm very glad you came to visit, it means everything to me. I know I haven't been the world's best Dad to you, and I regret it. You turned out better than I think I could have influenced, I suppose I know deep down that your mom is a great woman and mother. I need to be at a fundraiser at UVM in half an hour... unfortunately.."
"What fundraiser? I'm not going back to watch a $10 movie in my room, I'm here to visit you! Take me along!"

Chelsea and I walked the circle, representing PIKE PHIsh (yes, an interesting image, 63-year-old man with his college-aged daughter representing a frat). We walked and talked for 3 hours (I'd say fuck the wasted kids that missed their shifts, but I couldn't have been happier). We talked about everything: what she is up to in life, Daniel, plans for the future, even how Sheila is holding up. I had forgotten how great family can make you feel. Holding this conversation with my daughter made me more happy than anything PIKE PHIsh has ever provided.

Chelsea

We spoke this evening. She is out to dinner with Daniel. I was invited, but she called at a bad time... I considered driving drunk to meet my children at Single Pebble reeking of marijuana. Then I reconsidered. Damnit, you're a fucking idiot, Al.

The good news is that I will be having dinner with Sheila tomorrow. Daniel is at a conference for the weekend, but Chelsea has agreed to stay Friday night so we can connect. Reservations are set for 8 at Leunig's, and I assume I'll be dropping her back off at the Sheriton afterwards. I have to be at the Athletic Campus circle at 11 for Relay, anyway.

We'll see how this goes... ahh, wish me luck, please.

Weekend Strategy

This weekend is Relay for Life all night on Friday. PIKE PHIsh is throwing a massive party on Saturday. Chelsea is arriving in Burlington on Thursday.

I haven't seen my daughter since her 19th birthday, 3 years ago. We speak on the phone regularly... quazi-regularly. Probably once a month... although I've been slacking on that the past few months. I wonder if she knows what I've been up to? I don't even know how close she is to her brother, Daniel. I figure that if her mom, Sheila, knows about my frat scene, she would by no means be allowing Chels to visit. Which leads me to assume that Daniel has kept things hidden?

That would be good news. However, it would also mean that it is completely my responsibility to explain to Chelsea just what my situation at UVM is. And brace for the reaction.

I'm sure I'll get a call from her when she gets in on Thursday. I definitely need to spend time with my daughter while she is in the area... I like to think she is at least partially coming to visit me, as well as her brother.

Results

1. Killed smoked salmon eggs Benedict at Sadie Katz... one of the best discoveries I've made in Burlington
2. Made it to 2/3 of my classes (that ain't bad, or so I've been told).
4. Ate Indian food at the Davis center. They pile it up for me, thinking I'm a professor.
3. Sent out a list-serve message to PIKE PHIsh basically demanding names on my Relay for Life sheet, no way in hell am I walking that circle for a 5 hour shift, these lungs/legs/heart are NOT what they used to be. If people don't get back to me I'll just sign up all the NIBS myself.
4. The money acquisition isn't really my job, I'll have to talk to AJ about whether we want to donate, otherwise fuck it, I don't wear T-shirts much anyway, I do indulge in yayo on occasion.

5. Failure. Ran into Daniel on campus, he didn't even say a word about my absence in his class this morning, but he did tell me that my daughter, Chelsea, is visiting Burlington this weekend. Nothing more, just that she is in the area. I guess that's something I should be thinking about.

Stress alleviation

Chilled in a bedroom at PIKE PHIsh watching the Best of Chris Farley DVD. We went through half an ounce of trainwreck and three vicodins apiece. I needed this. The week gets unbearable by Tuesday night for me, consistently. Just woke up on the couch and I swear to you there is still a haze in the air, cut by the bright sunlight. Looks like a nice day outside. Missed Daniel's class by a couple hours, oops.

Al's To Do List

Breakfast, get to at least one of my remaining 3 classes, lunch, fill the Relay for Life roster, take $100 out of the snow fund so we can rock T-shirts at the event, avoid contact with family.

A typical Wednesday, I suppose.

Well, it's inevitable at this point

How did Daniel find out? PIKE PHIsh has not come up in any exchange between us since that time after class... members of the fraternity must be listed somewhere since it is affiliated with the University. Or there is talk going around, I'm pretty sure I set some kind of Greek record- oldest bro ever inducted. Daniel did not seem amused, and I am getting tired of having my son upset with me, I gave birth to the kid, afterall. Okay, well I assisted in the eventual birthing, at any rate.

AJ tells me to relax, there are plenty of brohaters out there, and it is important not to let them get you down. But this is my son, it is because of him that I am even enrolled at UVM... and lately I've been fucking that up. I'm sure he will mention this to his sister and perhaps even, God forbid, my ex-wife Sheila. I don't have time for this bullshit! Frat life keeps me busy enough, and all this stress is not helping my blood pressure. It is my responsibility to organize PIKE PHIsh community service events. Currently, I am setting up our team for Relay for Life, and trying my best to raise $100 so we can get sweet T-shirts.

This shit will work itself out, right? It has to.

The phone rings... sometimes I wish I never bought the mutha fuckin thing.

*ring ring* ... *ring ring* ...
(yes, I still have an old man's ring tone)

"Hello, Al speaking."
"Dad."
"... uh, um, son! How are you Daniel... er, haven't talked to you a while I've had this cough (cough for effect) so I've been laying low in Hinesburg the last week or so. Listen, I understand if you have to give me a few bad grades I'm completely willing to accept that and do any make up-"
"Dad, tell me it's a practical joke that you are now a member of PIKE PHIsh. Please tell me this is some kind of ridiculous joke you're playing on UVM and myself."
"Oh... ha ha... about that... listen, Daniel, I need to run at the moment, really caught me at a bad time. Can I give you a ring later tonight, son? That'd be great. Thanks for calling! Love you!"
*click*

Shit.

What's sweeter than maple syrup?

Initiation.

After my jaw-dropping stunt of chugging one of 3 gallons of maple syrup after breakfast, and after watching the other 6 pledges vomit all over themselves in their attempts to clear the remaining 2, AJ announced that I was to be the first newly initiated brother of the pledge group. It felt terrific. Everyone was giving me applause, and I was speechless. I had never felt this overwhelming feeling of acceptance that I can recall... it was like a wave of happiness washing over me from head to toe. The only things I can compare it to are my wedding day and the birth dates of my two children. I was legitimately proud of myself, despite what you readers may be thinking, I don't care if it's a little silly.

Old habits pay off..

For all my readers that thought to themselves, "Al, you're a fucking retard, something is up with this lovely breakfast scenario," you were right.

Breakfast was going smoothly right up until the very end. As we sat down, the brothers had said that it was the pledges' responsibility to finish everything on the table, and there was no objection. The table was a beautiful spread of pancakes, syrup, orange juice, fruit, and some champagne for mimosas. Hell, I alone could devastate half of this shit. This was probably the thought on the mind of every pledge.

However, there was a tiny catch that went unnoticed until the very end, when the last of the pancakes had seized to exist.

Roughly 3 gallons of Vermont maple syrup remained on the tablecloth. Fuck.

It was myself and 6 other pledges, all freshmen. They were shaking in their chairs. I had a small advantage on my side: I make maple syrup for a living.

Pancakes

It's Sunday morning and I get the text, "House." Normally, this would mean that I am to get into my vehicle and drive straight to the frat from wherever my location may be. This morning, luckily, I happen to be asleep on the hardwood in the attic of PIKE PHIsh. With a few grunts, I am on my feet, wiping the drool from my cheek and finishing the half can of PBR that was in my vicinity. After spitting the cigarette butt that was in the bottom of the can out, I make my way downstairs to see what is in store. To my surprise, my nostrils are greeted by the pleasant smell of pancakes! Fuck yes. I'm starving, as always. It seems that the bros have put together a Sunday morning breakfast feast for everyone, including the pledges. Is hell week over so soon? Am I now officially a brother? That sounds a little too good to be true. Either way, I'm eating pancakes.

Hell Week

Alright, first things first:

1. I will never eat spray cheese again
2. I apologize if you had a newspaper delivered this morning, it may contain lactose
3. Homeless men just seem happier with a stuffed animal

Hell week has begun.

My Apologies

My friends, I hope you can find it in your hearts to excuse my absence. A lot has been changing in my life recently, what with my pledging to PIKE PHIsh and trying to maintain a solid 2.00 GPA. The GPA part hasn't really been much of an issue, honestly, I've discovered that the average person with an IQ of 100+ should be able to pass a multiple choice exam, regardless of subject, with at least a 60%, so if you can't manage a 2.0 GPA, what the fuck are you doing in college? It took me longer to figure out the concept of Scantrons than it did to get through my Earth Hazards course.

So the frat. I'm nearly a NIB by now, pledging should last just another couple weeks, according to AJ. The other pledges are mainly freshmen, like me, but they find me a little intimidating. They are still not sure whether I am some kind of joke that the other brothers came up with to make pledging interesting. I'll be back with more details soon, I am supposed to be on the front steps of the house in 15 minutes with a can of spray cheese and a stuffed animal.

Decisions

School is starting to get to me. Apparently my academic performance is "inconsistent" and "sub-par." But this is only according to 4 out of 5 of my professors. Daniel hasn't said shit to me since our last encounter. I've been staying nights in Burlington, at PIKE PHIsh, strictly to make the commute to class easier. That being said, I've been spending a lot of time with the guys. Now, I never considered making anything of my connections in the frat, well, until now I guess. I am starting to learn about how things operate behind the scenes, and I like what I see. Unfortunately, secrecy is an important principle in the house.

Today, driving myself and AJ to campus, he proposed to me. That's right. He is welcoming my pledge to PIKE PHIsh and even promising a fast-track to initiation. It's a huge decision, that is very clear. I could certainly use some advice in the matter. Hit me.

Family matters

Apparently this school isn't as big as it seems. At first I stood out as a grandpa, now I am a praiseworthy, or snickerworthy, exhibit. Don’t get me wrong, most students still have no idea who I am. However, the few (the quickly increasing few) that either saw me in action at PIKE PHIsh last Saturday or have heard about the events of the night, are quite clear about their impressions of me. Guys I cannot recall having met routinely slap me on the back or yell across crowds to get my attention. Girls do not treat me with quite as much respect. Anyway, my reputation would be of little concern to me if it did not affect my relationship with my son. Daniel asked me to stay after class today, and it wasn’t about my lack of participation in Philosophy 001—I have developed a habit of smoking a bit in my car before class, and then mystifying everyone with my ideas.

“Dad. Do you know a senior named AJ?”
“A little.”
“Well he seems to know a lot about you. He’s my Tuesday Thursday class and he never hands his shit in on time. I asked him to talk to me after class. When I asked him what his issue was regarding his performance in the course, he told me to ‘chill the fuck out and have some fun like my dad.’”
“Yeah, AJ is a pretty relaxed kinda guy.”
“Yeah, Dad, I got that much. Listen, how do you two even know each other, and what does he mean telling me to have some fun like you? Are you hanging around with fraternity brothers outside of class? Have you started drinking? You smell like pot. Is this some kind of sick joke?”

That’s when I decided I’d had enough. A 63-year-old man getting lectured by his son? To hell with that. Daniel had been in full support of my decision to return to school—he never mentioned that I wasn’t allowed to associate with my peers. When it comes down to the heart of the matter… I enjoyed myself on Saturday. Obviously I took things a little too fast, but I’m sure that’s normal—I am a freshman, after all. I think I’ll start earning my reputation around campus, and hopefully retain some memory of what events contributed to it.

Also, I kinda like what the guys have started calling me—"Big Man." It has a ring to it... and it's a promotion from "Lard Ass."

Kids these days

I apologize for the delay of this posting... I needed some time to recollect my thoughts. In fact, I still haven’t decided what to make of my experience on Saturday night. I consider myself to be the opposite of religious, but in the past 36 hours I have been doing some serious reconsideration of my morals. Regardless, I suppose I should fill you in, although I am still putting the pieces together.

I arrived outside PIKE PHIsh at 10:30. I parked on Main Street across from the house. I was dressed in my khaki cords, boots, and a plaid green flannel which I had tucked in. I had given myself a few sprays (6) of my Old Spice cologne that, to my relief, was still hidden in the back of my medicine cabinet, collecting dust. I got out of my truck and approached the door. God, I cannot get over how nervous I was... to enter a house full of kids! What was this college town doing to me?? There was a small kid at the door, no idea what he told me his name was. "I uh... I'm here for the uh..." "Are you some chick's dad?" The kid was honestly scared. "Oh, no, uh my name is—" "YO LARD ASS GET THE FUCK IN HERE BIG GUY!!!" It was AJ, thank God. This first interaction at the door had been a complete failure. "Jake, what the fuck are you doing giving this man a hard time? I told you my boy Al was coming tonight. Make him feel welcome for fuck's sake... Jesus." It appeared that AJ held a slightly dominant roll over the freshman at the door. I started to apologize for the confusion but AJ pulled me inside and put a Natural Ice in my hand. Now, I have been sober for almost two decades. Sheila *HATED* the idea of drinking. Not that it had ever been a problem with me-- I am not a substance abuser type... well... better knock on wood for that one. I told AJ I was driving. Then I made a note to myself that this is taken as a really funny joke at Pi Phi. As soon as I made my way down to the basement where the party was carrying on full swing, I kicked myself for considering refusing the beer. Where the fuck can I get another when this is gone twenty seconds? Yes, I was in a very unfamiliar setting. Awkward, some might even go so far as to call it.

Al Jenkins; 63 years of age (that's 44 more than the intoxicated female rubbing herself against me, in case anyone was wondering); standing in the midst of a dance party (the music of which is absolutely foreign to me); drinking the warmest, cheapest, and no doubt BEST beer I've ever had (20 years of sobriety is being smashed to pieces a lot faster than it was formed). Gulp. Whimper. What the fuck happens next? I was frozen.

The answer: a lot.
Specifics: not so much.

The following events of the night have been thrown together in a blender and reduced to fleeting memories that I am increasingly ashamed of.

I considered leaving. Peeling this girl off of me and getting the fuck out of this place, I’m 63, what the hell am I thinking? People are going to think I’m some perverted party animal. Damnit. No, Al, re-the-fuck-LAX. These are the type of people you are going to be spending the next four years with. They are your peers. “You look like you could go for a cig, Old Man.” It was AJ. The one borderline-familiar face in this crazy jungle. “AJ, I could go for literally ANYTHING that can help me relax right now.” “Right on buddy, in that case, let’s go upstairs.”

I woke up the following morning face down on the PIKE PHIsh bar. After the initial startle of waking up somewhere other than my bed, I glanced at my watch—it was 1:30 in the afternoon. What. The. FUCK. What happened to me last night? What did I do to myself last night? Why am I on the bar counter with a blow up doll? I need to leave. I did. I made my way up the stairs towards the door, enduring the most aggressive head-splitting pain I’ve ever had. Before I turned the knob to leave, I heard a voice behind me. It was the freshman from the door last night. “You sir. Are the man.” What was I to reply to this? My memory was providing me with no clues. I just nodded and stepped out into the blinding sunlight. The reward for my little college sleepover? Pain, memory loss, nausea, and a $50 parking ticket.

Bout to roll out.

Hey all, I'm just getting ready to drive into Burlington for the PIKE PHIsh get-together. Not really sure what to expect... but hell, that has been the case with everything in the past week. I hope my attire is acceptable... and will there be parking? Wouldn't mind getting my hands on some more weed either... that would take the edge off. Well, I'll let you know how it goes. Cheers

Starting to get the hang of this..

One week down! I have some exciting news, I feel like I have found some guys that don't mind my presence! I'll take it from the top. Tuesday and Wednesday dragged by, I made an effort to talk to new people... I even stood outside the Davis Center doors for the duration of my time between classes (4 and a half hours) just greeting people as they walked through. Most of them avoided looking at me all together, or quickly said "No thanks!" as they hurried past. I was able to corner one guy between the double doors, and I asked him how his day was, and introduced myself. He was curious as to what I was doing on campus and whether or not he should be contacting the UVM police. It was just a silly misunderstanding of course-- he was under the crazy assumption that I was a bum from downtown. Anyway, fuck that, TODAY is when I made progress in my social endeavors. I found a flyer on the way to class... it was fate. This bright yellow flyer was advertising a BBQ at the PIKE PHIsh frat house on Main Street. That hardly seems fateful, but this flyer literally told me to RUSH to this event. I followed the signs, and I have just returned home from the house.

I arrived and the guys were all playing low-key games on the lawn of the frat house...wiffle ball, badminton, beer pong, KY jelly wrestling, and something about walking like elephants that I didn't quite understand. They greeted me as "Ancient Fucking Lard Ass" and I think the name has stuck a little, but it's all in good fun. Once I got to talking with the guys, I got the impression that they find me truly interesting... and they loved the fact that my son was a teacher at UVM for some reason. Before I left around 8, one of the older brothers, AJ, said he wanted to talk to me inside. When I followed him, he pulled out a joint! I haven't smoked marijuana since the 80's! I really enjoyed it... it reminded me of my youth. Maybe this college thing isn't such a bad idea after all. I'm about to hit the sack, but the guys told me to stop by the house again this weekend. Fuck it, I've got nothing better to do.

The first day

The first day came and went. I am relieved it's over, but I can't help looking forward to returning to campus tomorrow. It had its ups and downs. I definitely stood out on campus, and even more in my classes. But I do believe I will get used to this feeling and hopefully even forget. I discovered that I absolutely love the Harris Millis dining hall. For that food alone, part of me wishes I was living on campus in dorms. Indeed, all you can eat in a cafeteria comes as such a welcome break from frozen TV dinners at home. I sat at the end of a table filled with what I assumed to be freshmen girls. I think they were a bit frightened. Whatever, I am a student now, and everyone else is going to have to get used to the occasional 63 year old bear-of-a-man taking a seat next to them. I wish to pursue friendships with my fellow students, regardless of the 45 year age gap. I am in college now, and I find the whole atmosphere to be beyond exciting and intriguing-- if Sheila could see me now! I can't wait to show up for my Philosophy class tomorrow, maybe I'll give Daniel a call, I bet he cannot wait to have his very father as a student!